TITLE:  The Walls Within Me  
AUTHOR:  Marlen
EMAIL:  crmv@aol.com
RATING:  G
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully romance
CLASSIFICATION: Vignette, Scully Angst, MSR
SPOILERS:  Within, Patience Post-ep
DISTRIBUTION:  Gossamer, Ephemeral okay.  Any others please ask 
permission before archiving.  
DISCLAIMER: The characters of The X-Files belong to CC, 1013 
Production, and FOX.  
SUMMARY:  Scully isn't as strong as she seems.
STORY NOTES:  I didn't think I would write a Patience Post-ep, 
but I really wanted to understand the lack of emotion Scully 
seemed to show during that episode and this is the result.  I 
hope you enjoy it. 
For more of my work see my website at 
http://marlensxfiles.homestead.com



The Walls Within Me
By Marlen
November 20, 2000


I walk through the threshold of my home and lean against the 
door.  As soon as I hear the familiar click, I fall apart at the 
seams.  

I do that now.  

I hold all of my emotions with all the strength that I can 
muster until I'm in the privacy of my own home, and then -- only 
then do I let go of all that's been inside of me waiting to 
spill like a dam bursting apart.

The door is my threshold to the outer world -- outside, I am the 
tough as nails Agent Dana Scully, but here.  Inside these four 
walls, I'm just a woman who's lost and alone.

So very alone.

And I can't let anyone see my pain.  

Not even my mother.  

I tried to let her in when the pain was fresh, but by the time 
she got back to me, the walls already started to build within me 
and I told her I was just have a bad day.

I've had a lot of bad days lately.

Putting Mulder's nameplate in the desk drawer was the hardest 
thing I have ever had to do.  I held it for what seemed like 
forever, caressing his etched name "Fox Mulder."

And then Doggett came in.

How I wish it were Mulder instead.  

If he were here, he would've been the one waiting for me to come 
in and have the projector ready, telling me about this case in 
all his wide-eyed wonder, like a boy who's just found a shiny 
quarter on the street.  

I never told him how envious I am of that.  

He would've deduced quickly that this was indeed an X-File and 
of course, I would've refuted it.  

It's the little proverbial dance we played.

I so desperately want that back.

I want him back.

The impact that he is really gone starts bubbling up once again 
to the surface.  This is not the place for it and I quickly put 
his nameplate into the drawer.  I can never let the walls I have 
so carefully built around me fall, especially not here -- not 
anywhere, except the sanctuary of my home.  

I can never let them see just how lost I am without him.  

My partner.

My friend.

My lover.

My touchstone.  

My Mulder.

I slide down the door and I can't stop the tears from falling 
down my face.  I don't even bother wiping them anymore.  

Sometime later, I don't remember what time it is, but it must be 
in the evening because the room is sheath in a dark blue glow.  
I finally find the strength to get up, as is my usual routine, 
and walk to the window to watch the sky.  

Praying that he comes home soon, so we can start the dance once 
again.



~End~


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